So today is Thanksgiving. A day in which we pause and reflect on everything we have to be thankful for in this life. Well far be it from me to not partake in this yearly tradition. So here is my list of things that I am thankful for.

I'm thankful for being married to my absolute best friend. She is more special to me now than she was on the day we said “I do.” I am thankful for having a great house in which to live. I am thankful for my three wonderful dogs, Booda, Stitch and Cubbie. I am thankful for a wonderful career that I truly enjoy. It's a strange feeling waking up and being excited to jump out of bed and start working. I am thankful that Christmas time is almost here which means Christmas cookies, white elephant parties, and 24-hours of A Christmas Story. I wish we had children, however I am thankful for late nights with friends and not having to worry about bedtimes. I am thankful for my poker buddies who forgive me for calling with nothing on the flop only to hit a runner-runner straight (eventually). I am thankful for having a wife who lets me have both a Nintendo Wii AND an Xbox 360. I am thankful for the Chicago Cubs getting Theo Epstein to be their general manager. I am thankful that some idiot is going to make a stupid anti-Cubs statement in the comment section of this blog. I am thankful for The Muppets being in theaters again. I am thankful for my health. So far. I am thankful for my fantastic neighbors. But most of all..more than anything...

I AM THANKFUL THAT KARMA IS A RAGING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, that's right. Enough of the touchy-feely, tree-hugging, hippie crap. I am thankful that a LOT of the people who were shitty to me now have shitty lives. Yeah, I said it. It's petty and I don't give a shit. People who are rude, mean, disrespectful and have just a general air of superiority deserve to have karma fuck them in the ass. With me being the obvious exception, of course. You know who you are. When you were a raging bitch to me, talked down to me, and were only nice when you needed something...I am SO glad to see where you are now. Divorced because your husband couldn't deal with your shit anymore. Alone because everybody sees you for the angry, bitter hag you are. Oh, and I haven't forgotten about you, dude. So you decided to act like my friend and then talk mass amounts of shit about me? You thought it would be funny when I was working the late shift and you slept with my girlfriend? Let me ask you a question..does you mom still like to hum that Steely Dan song in the mornings? Want to know how I know that? Sucks don't it?

It's funny. Revenge is supposed to be cold yet it makes me feel all warm on the inside. If you're reading this and thinking “Man, this guy has issues” then you must be new to this blog. I had no intention of being shitty today. I really did just want to write down what I am thankful for. But, hey, I gotta be me, right?

I love my life and I love all of my friends and family. I also love you, the highly intelligent, discerning blog reader. Without you I would have no reason to vent. So have a very happy Thanksgiving. Please, forget the diets and the carbs and enjoy the wonderful food.

Follow me on Twitter (@Gary Rageblast) or Facebook (Gary Rageblast) or email me at gary@rageblast.com. Till then, stay angry my friends.

Ok...so here's the deal. As all of you know this blog is an outlet for my aggressive tendencies. Yes, it's true. I do tend to skew toward the negative side. Well, this time it's different. Today, I am a new man. On this beautiful morning, I am here to educate...not berate you. Kindness is the word of the day. Amazing what a good night sleep and a warm cup of tea will do for you. Hugs not drugs. Hakunamatata. A spoonful of sugar helps the.....

Oh God I can't do it!! They just piss me off to the highest level of pissedivity!!!!! FUCK!

ANYBODY UNDER THE AGE OF 25 IS A GODDAMNED MORON!!!!!!!!

Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!! How can an entire generation be so fucking stupid?? Here's a newsflash, you are NOT ENTITLED to SHIT in this lifetime! I mean, I realize my generation was bad..but this new one is fucking ridiculous. Who told them that any job they ever have will pay them $100k and be Monday through Friday? Who told them that if they didn't get every spring break off that it is a personal attack and they should quit? What rat bastard told them wrinkled clothes and dirty hair is an acceptable wardrobe? Who sent the memo that ten piercings in ONE EAR and a stupid ass neck-tattoo is not only ok, but anybody who has a problem with it is non-American? What dipshit issued the proclamation that McGruber is the funniest movie ever????

Yeah, you heard me. That statement was uttered by a 21 year old last year. Stupid bitch. That is the thing that upsets me the most. These kids have no appreciation for the classics. Now, I know my older followers (hi mom!) are probably rolling their eyes and saying I have no idea what good movies are, and they (she) might be right. However, at least I am AWARE of them and have SEEN most of them. You don't have to like the movies, just see them. No sane person can say McGruber is the funniest movie ever if they have not seen Animal House. Fact. Book it. Done. This is probably the one argument I get into with 20-somethings more than any other. Their fondness for Hollywood shlock is ulcer-inducing. Here's a news flash. Napoleon Dynamite sucked donkey balls! Ugh. I can't let this go on. I have compiled a list of must-see, old-school, non-CGI, add-them-to-your-Netflix-immediately, you-children-should-be-aware-of movies. These are in no particular order.

Blues Brothers (1980) – Dan Akryod and John Belushi at their respective best. An ex-con and his brother get the band back together and attempt to save the Catholic home where they were raised. A ton of cameos from musicians such as Aretha Franklin, James Brown, and Cab Calloway lead to great musical numbers. Carrie Fisher is great as a complete psycho-stalker.

Flash Gordon (1980) – Movie based on the classic comic serial. Cheap, cheesy special effects. Bad dialog. Poor acting. So why in the world should you watch this? Three words. SOUNDTRACK BY QUEEN. “Flash! Ahhhh-ahhhh...he'll save every one of us!” GREAT song. Actually, there are a few reasons to see this other than the killer soundtrack.Pre-James Bond Timothy Dalton as Prince Barin lends a bit of credibility. Brian Blessed is awesome as Prince Vultan the Hawk-man. But most of all, guys, see it for Ornella Muti as Princess Aurora. Holy shit she was smokin' hot.

Dutch (1991) – A road trip movie like none other. Ed O'Neill (Modern Family) as the unrefined, yet very well-to-do boyfriend of gorgeous Jo Beth Williams agrees to go pick up her spoiled, over-educated, egotistical son and have him home by Thanksgiving. I cannot endorse this movie enough. Funny, touching, and a great holiday film. If this movie teaches you one thing, it's “nothing burps better than bacon.”

Goonies (1985) – A Sean Astin film. Also a Martha Plimpton (Raising Hope), Corey Feldman (Lost Boys, Stand By Me), Josh Brolin (No Country For Old Men), and a Joe Pantoliano (The Sopranos, The Matrix) movie.Football great John Matuszak steals the movie under a ton of prosthetic make up as Sloth. And who can forget Ke Huy Quan as the gadget loving Data?

Gremlins (1984) – No sunlight, no water, and NO food after midnight. The scene in the bar rivals that of the cantina scene in Star Wars for flat out absurdity. Great friggin' movie.

Anything done by Jim Henson (1936-1990) – I don't care if it's one of the Muppet Movies (Muppet Movie, The Great Muppet Caper, Muppet’s Take Manhattan) or one of his darker, edgier films like The Dark Crystal or Labyrinth. There is no CGI in these films. Just incredible workmanship by amazing special effects departments. I don't care what anybody says, these films hold up.

PCU (1994) – Another newer one, but one that slipped beneath everybody's radar. A 90's movie with an definite 80's flair. Jeremy Piven as the perpetual college student and David Spade as an uptight conservative square off on an ultra-PC campus. Jon Favreau is great as Gutter. This movie gives new meaning to the term “meat-tosser”. See? Now you are compelled to see it!

Spaceballs (1987)/Blazing Saddles(1974)/Young Frankenstein(1974) –All movies done by Mel Brooks. All are pure, unadulterated genius. Must, must, MUST see these films. Funniest movies ever. Fuck McGruber.

Uncle Buck (1989) – John Candy at his best. John was awkward before Ben Stiller was even old enough to drive. This is great comedy. Promise me that if you watch this movie you will watch AT LEAST until the scene where Buck confronts his niece's principal. If you still want to turn it off, then you have no taste. Kill yourself before you reproduce, please.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (1987) –This is the movie Due Date aspired to,yet failed miserably, to be. Classic road trip comedy with John Candy and Steve Martin. The banter between Martin and Candy's characters is hysterical. Not only is this movie funny, it is very touching and one that is a must see in this household every holiday season.

Ok, there it is. Ten must-see movies for all of the dipshits out there. I left off some of the bigger ones such as Ghostbusters, any of the Indiana Jones films (1-3..the fourth one sucked cock), or any of the Star Wars films. Those are all films that are up there with Titanic, Gone With The Wind, E.T. and all of the other films that you really have no choice but to watch. Wizard of Oz, too. No, these ten films are all ones you have to make an effort to find or watch. So put down the fucking smart phones and get some popcorn. Real popcorn. Made with oil and flavored with butter. Live a little.

Ok, my ulcer is now raging. I need to get some milk. As always, email me (gary@rageblast.com), follow me on Twitter (@garyrageblast) or friend me on Facebook (Gary Rageblast). Let me know if I forgot one. Till then, stay angry my friends.

Ahhh high school. The memories are so vivid. I remember once, me and four other vastly different students got Saturday detention and we got yelled at by the principal. Oh how we bonded that day. Oh wait, that was The Breakfast Club. Hmmmm. OH! There was this one time, I faked being sick so I could run around the city of Chicago in a super hot car with my girlfriend and my buddy. Oh the wacky hijinks that ensued. We went to a Cubs game, went swimming, even crashed a parade and sang a Beatles song. What? That wasn't me? Ferris Bueller's Day Off, you say? Humph. I know!!! This one time, at band camp.....ummm never mind. Why can't I remember the wonderful and glorious times I had in high school?

BECAUSE HIGH SCHOOL SUCKED ASS, THAT'S WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My 20^th high school reunion is coming up and I am being bombarded with invitations to go. Why? For the love of God, I have put as much emotional distance between me and those four years of hell as I could so explain to me why I would want to go back? Here, let me pay $200 for not one, but two, evenings of uncomfortable small talk, bad food, a cash bar (fucking thing needs to be open..not cash), and mingling with people who I don't associate with anymore. Ummmm..no thank you. I'd rather smash my testicles with a hammer.

“But Gary Rageblast, your high school years were the best years of your life.” Ahhh, good point discerning blog reader. My only response to that is FUCK YOU!!!! High school was NOT the best time of my life. Anybody who says it was is lying to you, or is in need of therapy. The only thing about teenage years that was great was the fact that you had no bills and paid no taxes. That's it. Nothing else. Nada. Zip. Zilch. What was so great? Acne? The fashions? Your first piece-of-shit-car? SAT/ACT prep?Stealing a beer from your parents fridge? Dating? FUCKING DATING? I find it funny that a man's recollection of his high school dating life positively increases exponentially as he gets older. I know a guy in his 50's who will look you in the eye and tell you that he couldn't walk from geometry class to chemistry without some cheerleader begging him to bend her over and wreck that ass right there in the hallway. Really? REALLY? Fucking liar.

Ok, by now you are thinking I was one of those high school dorks who got picked on regularly, didn't go to prom, and played lots of Dungeons and Dragons. Believe it or not, that's not the case. I had the stereotypical high school existence. I was, at best, a C student. I wasn't extremely popular but I had friends in all the different social clicks. I was in drama for a while, then I played on the football team (“played” might be an exaggeration). I had girlfriends (yes, plural you assholes) and even went to prom. Hell, my date was smoking hot. So understand that my high school life was not terrible. I'm not ready to shoot people from a bell tower. But in hindsight, it still sucked and in NO WAY compares to my life now. I am so much happier now. I'm married. We both have good careers. I have more friends now than ever. My car is cooler. Shut up, it is so!! High school doesn't even compare to now.

The idea of a reunion became outdated about 5 years ago when Facebook came on to the scene. Maybe even earlier with MySpace. Social media keeps all of us connected, so the need for a big event to see people and reminisce is ludicrous. The only reason to go back is to A) relive your glory years because you hate your life or 2) to show everybody how successful you are and be a pompous douche about it. Yeah, thanks but no thanks. The people I want to see are just a private message away thanks to social media. God bless the almighty Facebook.

Ok..that's it. I'm done. I have a headache. As always, you can follow me on Twitter (@GaryRageBlast), Facebook (Gary Rageblast) or even drop me an email (Gary@rageblast.com). Till then...stay angry, my friends.

I saw this God-awful story the other day. This woman had a son that she kept locked up inside the house all day. This kid never went to school, never saw a doctor, never had contact with the outside world. It was ridiculous. Somebody finally stood up and called the authorities...and NOTHING HAPPENED! They said the parent was doing nothing unlawful. Apparently it is ok for somebody to have a child and then lock them up like some sort of troll. Look me in the eye and tell me that's not abuse.

FUCK HOME SCHOOLING

Yeah...I said it. Fuck em. Fuck them in their self-righteous ear hole. “Oh look at me, I'm 30 and I know my colors so I am qualified to teach my children.” Yeah..that's logical. I have several problems with idiot moms who believe they know more than not only the education system, but the educators themselves. Let's run them down, shall we? Take that last statement any way you want.

Let's see if I can get through this next statement without puking. THERE ARE NO EDUCATIONAL REQUIREMENTS TO HOMESCHOOL YOUR CHILD. You read that right. You do not have to go to college and get an education degree in order to keep your kid at home and attempt to teach your child. If you did, then I would have no problem with home schooling. Well, I would still have a problem with it. Who am I kidding, right? The fact that these ignorant bitches believe they have the same ability to educate a child just as well as somebody who has studied education theory and went to a degree-granting institution is nothing short of a giant slap in the face to REAL teachers. REAL TEACHERS who dedicate themselves to the education of YOUR children. But hey, who cares, right? Teachers aren't as smart as you, right? Or as dedicated? Or as educated? Hey..you watch reruns of Frasier and even get almost half the jokes. You can do anything some fancy-shmancy, four year educated person who constantly has to take MORE education seminars and classes to stay up to date on the latest techniques, right? Stupid sum bitches.

Ok, you want to argue that you are as qualified to teach as a real teacher, fine. You want to tell me that you have an education degree and therefor you can teach at home, fine. Now let's talk about the social retardation that you are inflicting on your children. By locking them in your home and keeping them from the mass socializing that a child does in school, you are creating a lifetime of problems for your kid. These years in elementary school are vital for the emotional development of a child. They NEED that interaction. DAMNIT why do I have to point out the fucking obvious!!!!!!!

Hey...let's look at this from a medical point of view. How about the fact that these kids need to be in a classroom so the can be exposed to the common diseases and build up the appropriate antibodies. Idiots! Ohhhhhh noooooo. We don't want healthy kids, do we? Not at all. These are the same parents who refuse to get their kids flu shots or standard immunizations because they don't trust doctors. Yes, doctors are evil. They are really employees of the government and immunizations are really just nanobots being injected into your children so the government can control them. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

So congratulations. You are now raising stupid, socially inept, unhealthy children. Listen, just because you are a pathetic, ugly, glasses-wearing, mustache-like-Mario-even-though-you're-a-chick, pathetic, no-friends-having, pathetic individual doesn't mean you have to raise your children like that. The world does not need a bunch of socially retarded, sickly kids who are too stupid to know how to tie their own shoes.

Oh, and one more thing. If you insist on destroying your children that is your business. However, once you realize that they will never go to college and never get a decent job DON'T COME CRYING TO ME! Or anybody else, for that matter. God forbid something terrible happens to them because of your irrational fear of doctors and social interaction. You let them get sick and possibly die because of your (most likely) religious based thinking...then tough shit. You deserve every ounce of sorrow that comes your way. Every. Ounce. Of. Sorrow. Fucking losers.

That's it. I'm done. I need a nap. Be sure to follow me on Twitter (@garyrageblast) or facebook (Gary Rageblast) or even email me Gary@rageblast.com. Till then, stay angry my friends.

Ok..normally I start this off with a little scripted bit. Not this time. For one, I'm too busy these days. And secondly, I'm just too pissed off to be cute and funny right now. Let's get right to the point.

HEY REDNECKS.....KEEP TRACK OF YOUR PETS!!!!

Yes, rednecks. I say rednecks because that's what I am surrounded with out here. Beer swilling, NASCAR watching, wife beating, Obama hating, ball scratching, sister fucking rednecks. All with a tooth count higher than their IQ.

Over the past two months, I have noticed two things. 1) It is hotter than hell out here. It is awful. All you can do is stay indoors and pray for October to get here. And 2) No less than 5 stray dogs with no collars running around. Now, when I say “running around” I am not talking about a dog bouncing around his masters yard with the kids and maybe checking out the neighbors. I mean LOST, STRAY dogs! It's ridiculous! Now, what do those two things have in common? I saw something heart wrenching the other day. Driving to our local grocery store, I saw a puppy running around with some kids. So naturally I assumed it was theirs. On the way home, I saw it about a mile away on another property. Yes I am sure it was the same puppy...I'm not stupid. “Hey Gary Rageblast, what was that adorable little doggy doing?” Well discerning blog-reader, I'm glad you asked. He was scratching at a water hose trying to coax water out of it. “Ohhh what time of day was it?” Wow, you guys ask great questions. Try around 6 pm. That would roughly be THE HOTTEST TIME OF THE DAY!!! A little puppy (couldn't of been more than 4 or 5 months old) running around, without a collar, desperate for water.

Now here is where my cynicism kicked in and I hate myself for it. My first reaction was “Man I hope that dog finds his home soon.” What the hell was that? I truly cursed myself out when I pulled in the driveway. That's when I put in into reverse and went to find the dog and take it home. Unfortunately I couldn't find it. I spent the next few hours stepping outside every 10 minutes looking to see if it was around. Water. That's all it wanted was water. And all because some goddamned idiot couldn't be bothered to put a $3 collar on his dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dog's are not just things. They are not your TIVO or your Xbox 360. Although I find it funny that morons put more value into those items than into a living, breathing animal who thinks you are the greatest no matter what kind of douche bag you actually are. Have you ever forgotten to give your dog water, or be more than an hour late with dinner? What happens? You put down the food or fill the water bowl and your dog acts like you are the greatest thing on the planet, simply for fulfilling a need that they have. They aren't pissed at you...they worship you for taking care of them. Now, what happens when the waitress forgets to refill your Coke Zero? Hmmmmm? Smaller tip, probably. Your drink is 5 minutes late and you plan retribution. Refill an empty water bowl and you get extra lovin' time from Fido. Amazing.

Dogs and man have had an almost supernatural connection since wolves were first domesticated by men with food. Seriously. All dogs want to do is please you. That's it. Nothing else. Even when they are ferocious, snarling guard dogs it is because the person they love beyond measure has made it clear to them that THAT is the behavior that makes them happy. Why do dogs do tricks? Why do they even bother to learn to sit, or play dead? Because it MAKES YOU HAPPY. That is all they want to do!!! Ladies, have you ever had a bad day? I mean a REALLY bad day? All you can do is come home and maybe cry it out? What does your dog do? Ignore you? Jump on you and wag it's tail? No. More often than not it comes to you, tail and ears down, and attempts to lick your hand or lay down beside you. You are upset and it has shaken your dogs life to the core. On the flip side, have you ever seen a dog react to laughing? Why should a dog even CARE what laughing is? They don't communicate happiness that way. Yet if your dog hears you laughing, they get uber-excited. Daddy is happy and that is all that matters! Dogs recognize facial expressions and can sense your mood and react accordingly. Why do you think they use dogs in the medical field? Police field? Because their only purpose in life is to MAKE....YOU....HAPPY! Dogs have been known to help bring people out of comas. They have been used in rehabilitation projects and even for elderly patients with Alzheimer’s. They also have amazing abilities to find their families. There are tons of stories of families moving across country and leaving their dogs behind (which pisses me off to no end) only to have that dog walk across the US to find them. And is the dog upset that he was shunned and left behind? NO. He is so happy to find them he cannot contain his excitement. The first time my wife saw me cry was early in our relationship. She was warming up the car and I was about to turn off the news when I saw a story on a small dog who was taken from a family's back yard and taken roughly ten miles away to wherever these idiot teenagers hung out and drank. For unknown reasons, other than being assholes who I truly hope burn in hell, they poked out this dogs eyes. Both of them. Tortured this poor soul. Then tossed it away. Two weeks later, this incredible dog found his way back to his family. Scratching at the front door and whining to be let in. Amazing. Simply amazing.

I know times are tough and finances are tight. So think about it before you take in a puppy. If you do, please drop a little bit of money on it and get a damned collar and tag. We have personally handled several lost dogs since we have moved in here 6 years ago. I don't understand it.

I know I have used the word amazing several times, and it was intentional. If you don't believe in the connection between dogs and humans, please go to YouTube and search for dogs reaction to soldier returning home. Here is one I love. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysKAVyXi0J4

As always you can hit me up here with a comment, drop me an email (Gary@rageblast.com) or follow me on Facebook (Gary Rageblast) and Twitter (@GaryRageBlast. Let me know what hacks you off. Till then...stay angry, my friends.

Anybody else have allergies? They suck ass, don't they? Runny nose, swollen nasal cavities, itchy eyes. Hate that shit. Especially the constant sneezing. Over and over and over again. They come in bunches. But you want to know what makes it worse?

Me: “Aaaaacchhhoooooo!!!!!”

Some Random Jackass: “God bless you.”

Hate that shit, too. I know it's common courtesy and considered good form, but it still bugs the shit out of me. Anybody know why we say “God bless you” or, more simply, “bless you”? Here is what the world class, first rate, flaw-free website of Wikipedia has to say on the subject.

“One explanation holds that the custom originally began as an actual blessing. Gregory I became Pope in AD 590 as an outbreak of the bubonic plague was reaching Rome. In hopes of fighting off the disease, he ordered unending prayer and parades of chanters through the streets. At the time, sneezing was thought to be an early symptom of the plague. The blessing ("God bless you!") became a common effort to halt the disease."

“A legend holds that it was believed that the heart stops beating and the phrase "bless you" is meant to ensure the return of life or to encourage your heart to continue beating.”

“Another version says that people used to believe that your soul can be thrown from your body when you sneeze,[1] that sneezing otherwise opened your body to invasion by the Devil[2] or evil spirits,[4]or that sneezing was your body's effort to force out an invading evil spirit.[1] Thus, "bless you" or "God bless you" is used as a sort of shield against evil.”

Lots of religion in that common courtesy. Lots of it. I think that is what bugs me. The basic hypocrisy of religion. Or better yet the hypocrisy of people who believe themselves to BE religious. Not the basis of religion...I like religion. ANYTHING on this planet that makes you strive to be a better person I am all in favor of. In fact, I don't even care what religion you are. You can worship a Roomba or even Jack Burton (Big Trouble in Little China) for all I care. If it makes you help people or take in a hurt animal or even just offer a troubled friend a shoulder to lean on then that is just pure greatness.

My real problem is the people who not only believe themselves to be religious, but go out of their way to let you know how religious they are. You know these people. They end phone messages with “Have a blessed day” or get angry if you say “goddammit” or “Jesus Christ!”. These are the people who go to church two or three times a week yet fully miss the point. These are also the people who hate blacks, gays, women voters, the color pink, foreigners (ie. Anybody from anywhere outside of Texas), and cats. Seriously, how can you spend almost half your life in a place of worship yet still be the most racist motherfucker on the planet????? C'mon already!!! Doesn't this go against EVERYTHING you're taught in church? How can so much hatred spew from people who go out of their way to tell you how giving and accepting they are??? Have you ever noticed the people who say “Have a blessed day” are usually the most vile, contemptuous people ever?? They are walking balls of hate. They will lie, cheat, and manipulate anybody they have to in order to get what they want. They only feel good about themselves if they can knock somebody down (sometimes literally). It's a joke. And for some reason the people who are the most religious sumbitches on the planet are the ones who have sinned the most. I swear to God. People who repeatedly “coveted thy neighbors wife” or dealt/done a ton of drugs always have some sort of epiphany and start attending church, ummmm, religiously (bad pun alert!). These are also the people who tell you over and over not to take the Lord's name in vain. Shut up. We have a guy in our fantasy football league who constantly tells us on the message boards what we cannot say. I am THIS close to changing my team name to the Jesus Titty-Fucking Christs just to make him stroke out.

Oh, and the Obama election just threw these people's world into utter fucking chaos. On a side note, I absolutely LOVE the people that have intense hatred for this man and his policies that do not affect a single aspect of their lives. Tell me again how it's not racism, yet you don't hold this much contempt for all democrats...just him. But I digress. I actually worked for a guy who has a long history of worship. He is a longtime member in good standing with his local church. Leading up to the election (and probably continuing to this very moment) all I heard was the most God-awful racist “jokes” coming out of his mouth about Barack Obama. He was called everything from a Muslim terrorist to the dreaded “N” word. So, to fully understand, this person has been told repeatedly to love his fellow man and cherish every day, and in the same breath to string up any black man he can find? Utter and complete bullshit. How about actually PAYING ATTENTION in church instead of deciding how many times you are going to cheat on your wife, beat your kids, or bitch about Mexicans taking jobs Americans don't really want in the first place. You fucking moron.

Oh, and Christmas. Don't get me started on Christmas. I love Christmas. You might call me a Christmas-enthusiast or even a Christmas-A-holic. But the one thing that chaps my fat ass is when people start dictating how I am supposed to celebrate MY favorite holiday. “Put the Christ back in Christmas”. Really? How about you put the “shut” back into “Shut the fuck up”!!! It is called the holiday season because it encompasses MANY DIFFERENT HOLIDAYS. If you are Christian then you say “Merry Christmas” to anybody you please and leave it at that. Hell, you can use any sort of holiday sentiment you want. Just do NOT tell people what they can and cannot say. Stop jumping on people for saying “Happy Chanukah”. It's their time too, dickhead. It's also Kwanzaa and Boxing Day and believe it or not National Whiners Day. It's also a Muslim holiday. *GASP* Has your head exploded yet? It's called Ashura and it's on December 5^th this year. It is a day of commemoration of the martyrdom of Imam Hussain, the grandson of the Prophet Muhammad. Oh my God, you mean their religion isn't based on sun worship and capitalist hating? Let's sort something out right now, bigots. You do not hate Muslims, so stop saying you do. You hate Muslim terrorists...HUGE fucking difference. You hate Muslim terrorists the same way you should hate ALL terrorists. Even Christian terrorists (and yes, genius, there are Christian terrorists). Again, I'm off topic. You do not have a monopoly on the month of December. If somebody comes up to you and says “happy Chanukah, my friend” you should absolutely be touched that somebody cared enough to share THEIR holiday greeting with you. It doesn't mean they hate Christmas and therefor, by extension, God. That's just stupid. And stupid is highly, highly contagious. Don't misunderstand their love for their holiday and the desire to share it with people they care about as an attempt to convert you. Pull your head out of your anus, you ignorant sow. Compassion and tolerance are two of the main principals of most any religion.

Look, I will state it again. I love religion. We all want to be better people. Anything that holds us to a higher standard that we constantly reach for cannot possibly be bad, can it? Just stop being so goddamned uppity about it. Live your life, love your fellow man, and stop attempting to show us how much of a better person you are by throwing your religion in our faces. We don't really give a shit.

Oh, and all of you Atheists who are giggling and laughing right now, you're next. You are just as big of a jerk-off as anybody else mentioned in this phenomenal prose.

As always, friend me on Facebook (Gary Rageblast), follow me on Twitter (@Garyrageblast) or shoot me an email (Gary@Rageblast.com). 

So you have got to be kidding me, right? No...I'm serious. Somebody has got to explain this to me. I have attempted to wrap my mind around this for the last decade and I still do NOT understand this pattern of behavior. You know you shouldn't be doing it. You hide it. Your family and friends are concerned. We want to help..but you have to help us..help..you. The good news is you can come back from this. A normal life is possible with the right rehabilitation. You're not alone, hundreds of thousands of people across the country have this very same problem. We can beat this. Take my hand. Deep breath. Now, repeat after me.

I will no longer read romance novels.

There..doesn't that feel better?

This is not a joke, people. Have you seen these things in the grocery stores? It's disgusting. Ladies, what is your mental malfunction with these things? No really, I'm embarrassed for your gender. I can understand once or maybe twice. Hell, we all have our dirty little secrets. I, for one, am a huge fan of the movie Legally Blonde (can't explain it, I just love that flick). But this is a multimillion dollar industry so we are talking a GIGANTIC dirty little secret. I don't get it. Maybe it's a vagina thing. I mean, I understand porn. I get it. Veeeeeerrrrryyyy simple plot. Guy meets girl, guy bangs girl. Guy meets two girls, guy bangs two girls. Simple. Easy. Very little dialog. No feelings involved. Money shot. Done. But romance novels? Jeeeez. These things actually have emotional depth. What the hell for? And what the hell is with the titles of these Pulitzer bastards? After examining the titles I have come to a conclusion. Guys, you should really listen up because I am going to unlock the secret to women right now. I have determined how every, single, living, breathing, woman on this planet wants to be treated. Ready?

Every woman wants to 1) be a virgin who is 2) treated like a slut and 3) bear the child of 4) a very, VERY rich man.

Don't believe me? Here are some ACTUAL TITLES (I swear to GOD I am not making these up)

Her Little Secret, His Hidden Heir

Acquired: The CEO's Small-Town Bride

The Billionaire's Bedside Manner

At His Majesty's Convenience

Meddling with a Millionaire

Ridiculous, huh? You would think that these “authors” just used some mind-numbing random title generator and filled in the plot around it. HA! As if one of those existed. Wouldn't that be funny? (http://facstaff.unca.edu/pbahls/TitleGenerator.html)

The problem with this phenomenon is that it is starting to creep into pop culture. Twilight is just a teeny-bopper romance novel turned into a God awful movie (with the biggest bitch in Hollywood as it's star..seriously I hate Kristen Stewart). Oh, and True Blood? Give me a friggin' break. Soft-core vampire porn. Stupid. Again, it must be a vagina thing. Thank God I have a penis. A huge, throbbing, porn-loving penis.

Feel free to comment on this post and let me know what you think. Also, follow me on Twitter @GaryRageBlast and friend me on Facebook Gary Rageblast or just drop me an email at Gary@rageblast.com. Till next time, stay angry my friends.

Psst. Hey. Hey YOU. Yeah, you..c'mere. Want to know a secret? SHHHHHH! Keep your voice down, will you? This is big time. Now, once you know this there is no going back. Yeah, yeah, yeah..blah blah...Matrix red pill blue pill..I get it, whatever. This is serious. This is going to shatter your world, man. Everything you believe in will disintegrate right before your eyes. What? Yeah, other people know this. In fact, it's all they can talk about. Huh? Well of COURSE they aren't going to say something in front of YOU....YOU are not enlightened to this fact yet. Not any longer. Once you get this intel you can now be a part of the solution. You ready? Are you sure? Ok ok, shhhhhh whisper. Here it is.

Your kid is an asshole.

Did you not hear me? I said YOUR KID IS AN ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't give me that look. I'm serious. And everybody you know, knows it too. A whiny, cry baby, mealy mouth, asshole. A pretentious little shit. A self entitled, complaining, everything-I-have-is-not-enough-so-buy-me-more, craptastic human being. And yes, this applies to your kid. Even if you are reading this and thinking, “He doesn't mean MY little angel”, yes...yes I do. YOUR little angel is a spoiled rotten little brat.

Now, don't get me wrong. This isn't a rageblast against kids. I love kids. I even love your little asshole kids. I want my own kids. Hell, my wife and I have been trying for years to have our own little asshole. I do not blame the kids in any way. If you grew up without an ounce of discipline, being told you are a gift from God, and that you are the most talented carbon-based life form that has ever been conceived, you would be an asshole, too. It's not the kids fault. It's yours. Not your spouse's fault...YOURS. If you know that your kid's attitude needs rearranging and you have the audacity to say “Oh that's my wife's fault..not mine” or “My husband did that to him, not me” then you are the biggest piece of feces I have ever seen. Take some control over the situation and attempt to raise a decent human being. What? You're not doing anything wrong? Oh really? Ok fine, here is a list of things that turn kids into ginormous assholes. Want to bet you violate most of these?

1. For starters, stop referring to them as YOUR LITTLE ANGEL(or some other idiotic, glorifying phrase)! Jesus, you gave the asshole a name, use it. And don't trick it up. Don't force a cutesy version of your kid's name if it doesn't fit. Changing Mike to Mikey or Joe to Joey is acceptable. Changing Lauren to Laureny or Kirk to Kirky is stupid. Just plain stupid. You know better than that. All it does is let the child know that he/she is the center of your universe. You wouldn't tell your boss that your job is your life, because then you will be working 60 hours a week without extra pay. If you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you cannot live without them that is a surefire way for them to start sleeping with your best friends...because they know they can! So why in the name of heaven would you give that kind of power to a child???????

2. Stop showering them with gifts!!!!! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph why in the hell does a 4 year old need an Ipad???? Does he have important clientele meetings at the sandbox to keep track of?Does your 8 year old need a cell phone? WHY? You never let them out of your sight!!! WHY do they need a phone??? In case they have trouble pooping?

3. Quit posting images and videos of your kid online!!! YOU are the only one who thinks a 2 year old fucking up the words to the itsy-bitsy spider is cute. Nobody thinks your child should be a model. I don't care HOW pretty they are..KIDS SHOULD NOT BE MODELS! It's disturbing and borders on pedophilia. Taking videos of your kids running around in dress-up clothes is cute. Posting them on YouTube while overlaying some top-40 tune is pompous and arrogant. Your kid cannot dance. They can't even shake in tune to the music. Epileptics have more rhythm than your child. Oh, and have you ever listened to the lyrics of those songs you use? Disgusting. Why not just use Baby Got Back by Sir MixALot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4he79krseU) or The Stroke by Billy Squire (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLHc-yIAPbg).

4. My favorite...HIT THE LITTLE SHITTLINGS!!! Here's a little secret that apparently you haven't figured out. Kids are not afraid of time-outs. “Go over there and contemplate what you did!” See that? See that in quotes? That is something I ACTUALLY heard a mother say to a 6 year old. Holy crap I almost stroked out that day. Punishment is about not only making them understand what they did wrong, but making them afraid to ever do it again. If putting your hand on a hot stove felt like petting a puppy then every kid would have third degree burns. Although as I write this I'm sure some soccer mom is trying to get a new law passed that stoves are unsafe and hazardous. Wrap your head around this for a moment. Your grandparents were spanked. Your parents were spanked. YOU were probably spanked. All of you turned out to be decent, hard-working, RESPECTFUL people. So why in the hell would you change the equation??????

5. Finally, please for the love of everything that is good in this world, draw a line between parent and friend. You CANNOT be your child's best friend. End of story. No discussion. Can you and your kid be friends? Absolutely. But you and your daughter are NOT BFF's. You and your son are not fraternity brothers. They have zero respect for you and it's because you are more concerned with being the “cool” parent instead of an “actual” parent. Be the adult for once, will you?

It's a difficult thing to be a parent, but the formula is simple. Love + Respect + Ass Whippings = Good kids. Remember, you are raising the next generation. Think of every asshole you run into during the day. What do you think their childhood was like? Scary thought, huh?

As always, hit me up @GaryRageBlast on Twitter, friend Gary RageBlast on Facebook or just drop me an email at Gary@Rageblast.com. Let me know what you thought of the latest RageBlast and be sure to tell me what makes you RageBlast.

So...this is a blog, huh? Funny, I never imagined myself writing one of these things. In fact, I usually make fun of those douche bags who insist on spouting out their opinions for the world to read. I don't really care about your feelings toward the President. I don't really care whether or not you think time travel is possible. And I REALLY don't care what you thought of the latest X-Men movie (I'm sure you hated it, it didn't follow the comics closely enough, and your mom just finished heating up your Hotpocket). Why in the hell would anybody want to take time out of their day to read the random thoughts of an even more random person? I still don't get it, yet here I am typing out my ideas and posting them to the World Wide Web. So why did I do it? Why did I jump in bed with the other idiots who think their mission in life is to tell everybody what they should be thinking? Simple.

I'm going to die.

“GASP! What? You're going to die???” (Que startling music...duh dun dunnnnnn)

Relax. I'm not dying anytime soon. I just feel the end will come quicker if I don't get some things off my chest. I've got to be honest with you people, stuff just &#^$%#@ me off sometimes. I have what you would call a “short fuse”. Shut up. Not THAT fuse. THAT fuse is better than average. At least to your mom it is. ZING! Seriously, I find myself with less and less patience as the years go by. I'm 38 now and I find myself waking up angry. No lie. Try and comprehend that for a moment. Waking. Up. Angry. The one time in my day that I am closest to a Zen like state, and I emerge from it wanting to shoot the neighbor's cat or something equally insane. Now before you hippie freaks start preaching love, tolerance and the rest of that crap...hear me out. We live in a society where you are not allowed to be angry. Really. If you get frustrated for any reason whatsoever and actually SHOW any emotion, everybody assumes you have mental issues. God forbid you should utter an expletive after stubbing your toe in WalMart. Mother's start cradling their children, running away screaming “Oh dear baby Jesus save us!!” It's ridiculous. We are an aggressive breed. Hell, our time line is dotted with frequent wars. I don't want to live in a passive society. Ever see Demolition Man? Oh HELLLL no! I don't want to go there. I still don't know how to use the shells. Although I would eat a rat burger if need be. I am not a card carrying member of Prozacland and I don't want to be. If you allow yourself to get angry every now and then you won't have this build up of rage inside you. A bubble slowly getting larger. Swelling to the point where containment isn't an option anymore. The final result – a Rage Blast! Shouting at the slightest little thing. Screaming about nonsensical issues. Waves of heat emanating from you. Trees knocked down. Buildings destroyed. Smoldering bodies everywhere! There you are, at the epicenter, looking like a complete dill-hole because Sonic forgot your chili cheese tots. Rage Frickin' Blast.

So this is it, people. This blog is my Rage Blast. My occasional outlet to keep myself more at peace. My beacon of calmness guiding me through the seas of turmoil. Damnit I'm becoming a douche bag already. They tell me that a good blogger (hate that word..looks too much like booger) updates his blog at least three times a week. That really shouldn't be a problem. I hate a lot of things. I will not make any promises, though. Sometimes real life gets in the way. Plus I just got an Xbox 360 with Kinect so I'm pretty much useless right now.

Feel free to follow me @GaryRageBlast on Twitter and friend Gary RageBlast on Facebook. Tell me what hacks you off. Please let me know I'm not alone in my rage-osity. I am wrapping this up now, I'm a die hard Chicago Cubs fan and they are absolutley KILLING me right now! Hit the damned ball!!!!!